I see everything

I see everything. I see my life drip drip drip away into nothing, nothing important at all.

I see everything. I see my friends laugh and joke about as I sit in the corner, onlooking the moment.''' '''

I see too much. I don’t want to live my life the way I do. But it is the only way I know how to.  

Becoming part of the Neverseen was a terrible mistake. I remember the look of hurt on all of my friends’ faces, making me feel so guilty and ashamed. Honestly, I had meant well. I was planning to retrieve information and act as a double agent. My friends hated it. They seemed… scared. And I hated it too. I didn’t want to be the villain but at the time, I felt like it. I felt like my life was no longer worth living. If I died whilst being a double agent, I didn’t think that I would mind. But something kept me going.

Someone.

Sophie. She kept me sane when I felt like falling apart. She made me think that dying was not worth it. Sophie kept me breathing. That’s why her reaction pained me the most, made me want to run away and never come back. Her eyes were full of shock and… disappointment. I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to go back in time and reverse everything. None of it had done any good. It had just caused more problems.

I was a problem. Nobody wanted me there. I had done it just for Sophie because I thought… I thought I was going to make things right. I thought I was going to make up for any stupid mistakes I had made in the past. It did the exact opposite.

Sophie looked at me and I could tell her emotions were a mix of sadness, disappointment and anger. I wanted to run up to her and wrap my arms around her, whispering sorry to her, begging for her for forgiveness. But I couldn’t bring myself to it. Her eyes turned to the floor and she couldn’t look at me. I felt so ashamed. I couldn’t face looking at her.''' '''

When I turned to Fitz, he glared at me, a glare that broke our friendships. No glue was strong enough to fix it properly. There would always be a crack, a leap we both couldn’t jump to make amends with the other. I had been pushed away, rejected by hurt and pain. Nobody cared that I was doing it for a good cause, a good reason… wasn’t I? Doubt bubbled inside of me and I whispered a pained, “Sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t enough,” Fitz said. I remember the fear I felt when he yelled at me, screaming at how I had done wrong.

It turns out that intentions aren’t important: it has to turn out right to be right. They walked away from me, Fitz’s arms wrapped around Sophie. He turned his head, glaring at me in disgust. Clenching my stomach, I turned away, a tear trickling down my cheek. I bit my lip to hold more tears in because if I didn’t, the tear would turn to rivers and waterfalls. I thought about everything I had done in my life. What had I ever done right?

 

Nothing.

 

People had always looked on me scornfully, there expressions full of disgust and disappointment. I hadn’t lived up to my legacy. I wasn’t who people wanted me to be. I was a mere failure, a malfunction in the system.

I see everything.

I see how much of a problem I am.